I loved you once in silence
by ewan's girl
Summary: Obi Wan recieves a letter from Siri while they are separated during the Clone Wars. It's a stand alone story, please read and review.


Title: I loved you once in silence

Author: ewan's girl

Disclaimer: Ok, I have several disclaimers to make on this story. First I do not own anything Star Wars or related to Star Wars. I also do not own the lyrics to the song 'I loved you once in Silence' it is taken from the musical Camelot, written by Alan Jay Lerner.

Author's note: First I want to say that I got inspiration for this story after reading Jedikma's story 'Twice in a Lifetime' so I'm telling you should all go read that one, it's very well done. I also want to state that I have received a couple of reviews from someone (I will not name names) and I would like to state for the record that I am grateful to you for reading my stories, but please don't preach to me in your reviews. I always give a warning to you before my story begins if it has adult content or if it will be gritty and it is your choice to still read the story so please don't bring your morals or religious beliefs into your review. And you have stated that you hate it when we have Obi Wan and Siri involved in an illicit affair, but it seems to me that if they are Jedi it is far more illicit to be married, plus who's to say what is illicit in a galaxy far, far away? Ok, I'm done ranting, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, but it needed to be said for my sanity. Please enjoy the story.

I loved you once in silence

He lowered his snow goggles as he entered the compound that was bustling with activity. His extremely sleep deprived eyes scanned the large hanger and watched the various speeders and walkers returning from battle. He made a complete circle, watching the clones go to work to ensure everything was in order and he found himself staring out at the icy horizon of the planet Hoth.

He let out a long sigh, his breath leaving a trail a fog behind as he continued to stare at the frozen wasteland he had just been defending. There had been a huge battle involving an iron refinery that was owned by neither the Confederacy nor the Republic and both sides needed it for their depleting supplies for building weapons. Obi Wan felt it was a pointless battle, but he was glad he for once didn't have to concern himself with innocent lives of locals.

He felt the strong wind whip at his exposed face, pieces of snow getting caught in his beard. Something was wrong; something was calling to him through the Force, but he could not get a grasp on it. He closed his eyes in frustration because he knew dark side was growing ever stronger and clouding everything.

"General Kenobi." A voice brought him back to the moment. "Welcome back. The Chancellor is eager for your report."

Obi Wan turned to face the communications officer, removing his fur covered hood off his head. "Commander please inform the Chancellor that I will have a full report to him as soon as possible." With that he began to head towards his quarters, the communications officer running to catch up to him.

"I'm sorry General Kenobi, but here is all the paperwork that has been piling up, waiting for you to return." He handed a pile of forms and mission reports and star maps to the exhausted general.

Obi Wan took them with a strained smile. "Thank you." He then slowly began to turn away to get some rest but was stopped again.

"Oh, and this came for you the day you left the base." The young Mon Calamari officer exclaimed, pulling out an envelope. "I tried to find you when it arrived, but. . ."

Obi Wan was way too tired to deal with this. "It's alright, it has been delivered, and your job is done." He looked down at the envelope and noticed the familiar writing, he felt his heart rate quicken as he grabbed the letter.

"Was there anything else General Kenobi?" The soldier asked, his eyes blinking due to the cold wind.

Obi Wan drew his attention away from his letter. "Yes Commander Akbar, I need the updated casualties list sent to my quarters."

"Yes sir."

Obi Wan Kenobi walked out of the freshener and pulled on his thermal undershirt over his bare chest. He then walked into his quarters and stretched his overly weary body; he had been in active duty war for over a year now and his almost forty year old body was taking a beating. He finished his routine of Kata stances, the one routine he still could count on in his life at the moment.

Once done he walked up to his desk and looked over the mess of papers that he claimed he knew where everything was and picked up the stack that the Mon Calamari officer had given him. He scanned through the Holo news and various reports of battles being fought throughout the galaxy, hoping to gain some news on his former apprentice's whereabouts or any of his few surviving friends.

He sighed to himself and dropped the reports on the table and looked around the empty room; he still wasn't use to being on his own even though Anakin had been knighted over a year ago, he still felt lonely at times. He shook his head at his thoughts, knowing it was very unJedi like to even feel the need for companionship, but Obi Wan never had a normal knighthood where he had time to learn to be on his own, and he know realized how much it had come back to bite him.

He glanced down at his hand resting on the table and noticed the envelope next to his fingertips. He picked it up and inspected it again, hesitant to open it. It had been six months since he had seen her last during a brief return to Courascant. The two had met each other outside the Temple and spent an evening drinking and dancing their cares away. He had taken every moment of that evening to memory; remembering the look of her eyes, the smell of her hair, the touch of her skin, the taste of her lips. They had gone to a place in their relationship that both knew was forbidden, yet they could not help themselves. They blamed it on the war, they blamed it on the changes happening in the Republic and the Jedi, and they blamed it on a lifetime of denying their feelings. No matter how they justified their night of passion both Jedi masters knew it was wrong, the code was put in place for a reason and in the eyes of the Council Obi Wan and Siri had committed an unforgivable act.

He had told her he was promoted to general that night; told her he loved her, she returned the favor, the attachment had been formed and there was no going back.

He hadn't heard from Siri since that night, she even had Ferus her apprentice give her mission briefings to Obi Wan. He knew she was just as frightened and confused about their feelings as he was and he knew her well enough to realize she needed to figure out the next step on her own. He wondered what she had to say in her letter; he sensed whatever was written would somehow change his life.

He slowly opened the envelope, but before he could read what was inside he was interrupted by a knock at his door. He opened it and stared into the familiar face of one of the clone soldiers who immediately saluted. Obi Wan saluted back, with a groan and proceeded to ask the clone why he was there.

The soldier handed the general a stack of papers. "The updated casualties list you asked for sir."

Obi Wan took the list with a somber nod. "Thank you private." He casually began to flip through the pages, not reading any of the names yet. "Does this include the updated numbers from this battle?"

"No sir, Commander Akbar says he will bring you the numbers once he receives it from the medics." The clone trooper replied. "Was there anything else I can do for you sir?"

Obi Wan found his attention strangely drawn to the list in his hand. "No, that will be all private."

He turned back to his room as the door shut behind him and continued to flip through the pages and pages of clone numbers that had been lost recently during the war. He then felt a familiar presence appear in his quarters.

"I haven't seen you in months." Obi Wan exclaimed, not looking up from his list. "I figured you no longer had the strength to come and see me."

The ghostly face of Qui Gon Jinn stared at the man he had deemed as a son when he was still alive and it pained him to know what kind of a life his former apprentice had endured and had yet to endure. "I guess the Force needed me to be here tonight."

Obi Wan finally looked at the blue specter. "Why, what's going on?" He began to worry. "Is Anakin alright?"

Qui Gon put up his hands to try to calm him down. "Yes Anakin is fine, please sit down."

"No, I'd rather stand." Obi Wan folded his arms across his chest. "Why not tell me why you are here, because you only seem to visit me when something is wrong."

"Obi Wan, do you remember when you were younger and you would pair up with Padawan Tachi in simulated training?" Qui Gon asked.

"Yes" Obi Wan wondered where his former master was taking the conversation.

"The Council asked both myself and Master Gallia to work the two of you together; they knew you both would make an impressive team." Qui Gon explained. "But Adi and I were always troubled by the connection through the Force that we felt from the two of you, afraid it could lead to more."

"Master, if this is because of my attachment to Siri; let me tell you and the Force that you shouldn't worry." Obi Wan unfolded his arms and flipped through the casualties list again. "Siri and I are both working around it and are we are dedicated completely to the code." He looked at his former mentor. "It's like you and Tahl. . ."

Qui Gon closed his eyes for a moment. "Yes Obi Wan, it is exactly like myself and Tahl." He opened his eyes and met them with his former student's blue/grey eyes. "And it's because of that fact that I am here. Obi Wan, you are about to discover as I did just why attachment is forbidden, it can lead you down a dark path easier than I ever thought possible."

Obi Wan looked at him in confusion and concern. "Qui Gon, please just tell me."

"Obi Wan, son, do you remember how badly I reacted when I lost Tahl?" He asked, concern dripping off his voice.

Obi Wan nodded. "Of course I remember, I was afraid I would lose you to the dark side, I have never been so frightened in my entire life." He admitted.

Qui Gon sadly nodded. "That's why the Force has sent me Padawan."

Obi Wan then noticed his mentor's gaze travel from his own eyes to the list in his hand, realization hit him. "No." It came out in a whisper.

"I'm sorry Obi Wan." Qui Gon offered.

Obi Wan shook his head. "I would've sensed it, it's not possible." Qui Gon stayed silent, keeping his focus on the casualties list. Obi Wan scanned the list, praying he could prove Qui Gon wrong, his heart sunk when his eyes read the familiar name. He felt moister gather in his eyes, but he didn't want his former master to see his pain. "I need to be alone." He stated.

"Obi Wan. . ."

"Go away." He stated, still staring at the list.

"Padawan, be mindful of your feelings." Qui Gon tried.

"Go away!" He shouted and threw the list to the floor. He then turned his back to Qui Gon, running his hands through his short ginger colored hair. He felt his world crashing down around him, he had lost so many people already in his life and he couldn't bear another one, let alone the woman he loved.

Qui Gon watched Obi Wan suppress a sob; it broke his heart because he knew exactly what the other man was going through. "Obi Wan, please remember your duty to the Jedi, remember how much we need you."

Obi Wan closed his eyes and sighed. "Master please. . ."

The spirit knew he could say no more, he knew Obi Wan too well and knew that he would have to work his grief out on his own. "I know it won't help much right now, but believe me when I say there is no death, only the Force."

Obi Wan felt his anger reach a boiling point, he turned around to argue but realized Qui Gon had left him, possibly for good. He didn't know what to do next, he felt so betrayed by the Force for letting him feel so connected to another person just to take them away. He walked over to his closet and grabbed his survival pack, and pulled out an old holopic and stared at it with tears in his eyes.

He looked at the picture and realized that he was the sole surviving person in the group of friends that were smiling back at him. It then hit him hard how much he had lost since the Clone Wars started. Bant, who had become a healer was killed while healing injured clones on the front lines of Haavac. Reeft was killed on Geonosis, Garen crashed his star ship in the oceans of Mon Calamari. He missed them all terribly.

His eyes took in the picture, looking at each of their younger, smiling faces. He then stared at the beautiful blue eyes of a woman standing next to a newly knighted version of him with her arm around his shoulder. He couldn't imagine his life without her; without her sarcastic comments, and her independent spirit. He couldn't see himself never seeing her smile again, getting lost in her bright blue eyes. He wanted nothing more than to hold her again, kiss her again. . .

He looked down at his feet and noticed the envelope that he had forgotten completely about. He bent down to retrieve it, then walked over to his sleep couch and sat down. He found himself shaking as he pulled the letter out of the envelope and unfolded it to begin reading.

"Obi,

What can I say that we both haven't already told each other? I haven't been able to think of anything else when I am lying on my bed at night except for you and it drives me crazy to know that we can't be together. I have written you a poem that will tell you how I feel about everything. You better not laugh at me after you read this.

I loved you once in silence, and misery was all I knew.

Trying so to keep my love from showing, all the while not knowing you loved me too.

Yes, loved me in lonesome silence; your heart filled with dark despair. . .

Thinking love would flame in you forever, and I'd never know the flame was there.

Then one day we cast away our secret longing;

The raging tide we held inside would hold no more.

The silence at last was broken! We flung wide our prison door.

Every joyous word of love was spoken. . .

And now there's twice as much grief, twice the strain for us, twice the despair,

Twice the pain for us as we had known before.

I know that was very out of character for me, but I had to let you know how I feel. Obi Wan, I love you more than you'll ever know, but we are Jedi and you and I both know that commitment comes above all else; you know we couldn't hide our affair and still keep our sanity. There is a word that stands above love for us in our lives and that word is duty. I want you to remember Obi Wan that a part of me will forever be with you, and all of me will forever love you.

Love always;

Siri (still better than you with a light saber) Tachi."

Obi Wan quickly whipped the tears that were free falling down his cheeks. He looked down at the picture of Siri again. "You are right as usual, and I'm sure you're with the Force waiting for me so you can rub it in." He rose to his feet and called the communications commander on his comlink. "Commander, patch me through to the Chancellor." He carefully put the picture on the table in front of him. "I have my duty to uphold."

THE END.

Ok, I know it was mushy (sorry padawan) and probably didn't make sense, but too bad.


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